As a kid I always viewed the Bible as one of the world’s dullest texts… until I realized my Sunday school teacher was just glossing over the good stuffs in the Bible.
Masturbation, threesomes, rape, public urination, sodomy, bestiality, prostitution—it’s like Andy Dick’s life story compiled into one compact book.
There’s actually some surprisingly tender verses about the pleasure of sex and the beauty of the female form (If you’re a breast man then good news—the Bible is, too).
Read on for a sampling of sex and marriage Bible verses (from various editions) that would have made my childhood Sunday sermons much more enthralling:
Samuel 18:25,27: “And Saul said, Thus shall ye say to David, the king desireth not any dowry, but a hundred foreskins of the Philistines, to be avenged of the king’s enemies….wherefore David arose and went, he and his men, and slew of the Philistines two hundred men, and David brought their foreskins, and they gave them in full tale to the king, that he might be the king’s son-in-law.”
Proverbs 5:18,20: “Let thy fountain be blessed, and rejoice with the wife of thy youth. Let her be as the loving hind and pleasant roe; let her breasts satisfy thee at all times, and be thou ravished always with her love. And why wilt thou, my son, be ravished with a strange woman, and embrace the bosom of a stranger?”
Genesis 38:9: “And Onan knew that the seed should not be his, and it came to pass, when he went in unto his brother’s wife, that he spilled it on the ground, lest that he should give seed to his brother.”
Lot addressing an angry mob,
Genesis 19:8: “Now behold, I have two daughters who have not had relations with man; please let me bring them out to you, and do to them whatever you like; only do nothing to these men, inasmuch as they have come under the shelter of my roof.”
Kings 11:1,3: “But King Solomon loved many strange women together with the daughter of Pharoah, woman of the Moabites, Ammonites, Edomites, Zidonians and Hittites….and he had seven hundred wives, princesses, and three hundred concubines….”
Ezekiel 23:2,20: “Son of man, there were two women, the daughters of one mother, and they committed whoredoms in Egypt, they committed whoredoms in their youth; there were the breasts pressed, and there they bruised the teats of their virginity….
Neither left she her whoredoms brought from Egypt; for in her youth they lay with her, and they bruised the breasts of her virginity, and poured their whoredom upon her….
And when her sister Aholibah saw this, she was more corrupt in her inordinate love than she, and in her whoredoms more than her sister in her whoredoms….
And the Babylonians came to her into the bed of love, and they defiled her with their whoredom, and she was polluted with them….so she discovered her whoredoms, and discovered her nakedness….for she doted upon their paramours, whose flesh is as the flesh of asses, and whose issue is like the issue of horses.”
Judges 19:22,29: “Now as they were making their hearts merry, behold, the men of the city, certain sons of Belial, beset the house round about, and beat at the door, and spake to the master of the house, saying, Bring forth the man that came into thine house, that we may know him.
And the man, the master of the house, went out unto them, and said unto them, Nay, my brethren, nay, I pray you, do not so wickedly; seeing that this man is come into mine house, do not this folly.
Behold, there is my daughter a maiden, and his concubine; them I will bring out now, and humble ye them, and do with them what seemeth good unto you; but unto this man do not so vile a thing.
But the men would not hearken to him; so the man took his concubine, and brought her forth unto them, and they knew her, and abused her all the night until the morning, and when the day began to spring, they let her go….and her lord rose up in the morning, and opened the doors of the house, and went out to go his way, and behold the woman his concubine was fallen down at the door of the house, and her hands were upon the threshold….and when he was come into his house, he took a knife, and laid hold on his concubine, and divided her, together with her bones, into twelve pieces, and sent her into all the coasts of Israel.”
Deuteronomy 28:30: “Thou shalt betroth a wife, and another man shall lie with her.”
Song of Soloman: “Let him kiss me with the kisses of his mouth, for thy love is better than wine…a bundle of myrrh is my well-beloved unto me; he shall lie all night twixt my breasts….His left hand is under my head, and his right hand doth embrace me….
My beloved is mine, and I am his; he feedeth among the lilies…..
They two breasts are like two young roes that are twins, which feed among the lilies….his left hand should be under my head, and his right hand should embrace me.”