I’m not great at keeping secrets. If anything, I’m prone to oversharing. But in the arena of love, there are still a few things that I—like most guys—would prefer to keep under wraps. But it’s not really that we’re hiding anything big about ourselves, we’re just omitting little details that may cause trouble or hurt your feelings.
Does that make us liars? I don’t think so. I bet you have plenty of secrets all your own. And that’s probably okay, so long as it’s nothing major. Take these, for instance—they’re the little things you’ll probably never hear come out of your boyfriend’s mouth:
We occasionally check out other women. Oh come on—don’t act surprised. I’m sure you don’t have blinders on. Even married women drool at the site of David Beckham’s tattooed torso. Can we all just accept the fact that there’s still something in our brains that lights up when we see a healthy specimen of the opposite sex? It’s innate, totally out of our hands, and more importantly, it doesn’t matter. Our attention span for another woman’s plunging neckline or short skirt is as short as Beckham’s briefs. We’re still far more interested in you.
Before things became serious, we stalked you on Facebook. Like, really stalked you. As in, we know what you wore to prom.
We still watch porn. Not often, but we do. And we want this to be cool with you. In fact, we’d be pretty happy to watch porn with you. (But we’ll probably wait for you to bring that one up.)
We love it when you have girl’s night. Don’t fall for the puppy dog routine. Oh no! You’re leaving me alone? Well okay, guess I’ll just read a book or something. The truth is, guys love the occasional night alone—we get to act like sloppy bachelors again, if only for a night. So while you’re out, we’re playing video games, watching action movies, listening to old bands from high school. Plus, absence makes the heart grow fonder, right? A little away time is never a bad thing.
All that hair in the drain? It freaks us out. But we’re going to be cool about it, because we’re sure you put up with plenty of filth from us.
We’re happy when you bring up the important topics. We may seem to clam up when you bring up kids, marriage, or little dogs that fit in purses. But the truth is, we respect it when you initiate a big conversation. Talk is important, and we know it, but we find it all too easy to procrastinate on the milestone discussions. So when you bring it up—especially if you do it casually, and with a genuine interest about how we feel—you reassure us that you’re the right girl for us. And as long as we’re being honest here, that purse-dog will always make us uncomfortable.
We’re not a fan of your bright pink lipstick. You gave us a tiny peck an hour ago, and we’re still paranoid that we’re wearing it.
We notice when other guys check you out. It stirs something in us that falls somewhere between pride and jealousy, and it triggers a protective machismo every time.
We like compliments. Proper men know that when a woman looks great, he tells her. When she just blew his mind in bed, he says so. And even though we don’t let on, we love to get those compliments, too. From the woman we love, a little reassurance every so often is clutch. And the more outrageous and unbelievable, the better. Something like, “You’re the most handsome man on the planet” or “Your penis is so perfect, it should be preserved in bronze for future anthropologists to study” will always make us smile.
We were nervous the first time we had sex with you. Sure, we were playing it cool. But deep down, we were telling ourselves, “This girl is awesome—don’t climax too early, don’t wait too long, don’t make any weird noises, don’t make that dumb O face…”
Sometimes we’re just not in the mood. Yeah, believe it. Guys aren’t always horny. Sometimes, we’re bloated, tired, or stressed. But most of us will still go through the motions if you’re in the mood. So if his performance is occasionally off, this might be to blame.